Washington, D.C. – This week, historians uncovered an elaborate set of clues believed to lead to the secret diary of colonial American seamstress Betsy Ross in the network of back-and-shoulder tattoos that adorn Amy Winehouse's more mentionable parts. Dr. Ben Gates of the Smithsonian Institution first noticed the suspicious marks in a photo he randomly found online. "I was doing a Google image search for ‘crazy sluts’ and her picture was in the results. It was a complete fluke." This discovery is significant as it is believed that Ross's diary may contain the first-known sketches of the iconic plaid now synonymous with Burberry. The illustrations would prove the American origin of the pattern and end a 150-year long dispute between the U.S. and England over proprietary rights. When asked how and where she got the tattoo Winehouse responded with, "Wha the fook er da tawking bout. Suck ma teeth mtherfker. Suck ma teeth mtherfker. Am I in Floorda?" –Carla Gugino
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