Sugar High Leaves Suri Cruise Crashing

LOS ANGELES – After an embarrassing scene aboard Valentino’s yacht last August, parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have checked their tot Suri into a strict no-sugar diet facility in Clearwater, Florida. “She was a complete lunatic,” explained the leathery couture designer. “She had Fruity Pebbles all over her body and was torturing my pugs." Rumors of the tot's excess first surfaced last month after she was seen downing lines of Pixie Sticks with Kingston Rossdale at the Build-A-Bear workshop at Beverly Center. "She kept screaming at the cashier to give her some Fun Dip, but we don't sell any candy here," said an employee with terrible body odor. Rossdale and Cruise were seen leaving soon thereafter on Rossdale's Power Wheels, heading to Maddox Jolie-Pitt's house where Rossdale claimed he had some "yummy rock candy." Ms. Cruise's mother, Katie Holmes, was unavailable for comment, reportedly being zapped by science beams somewhere in Los Angeles. –Nastya Lindor